I know. It’s been a three weeks since my last post. Not only have a failed at making this a habit (not giving up on that), but I also want to offer up many excuses (some legitimate) as to why I haven’t posted the last few weeks. The cold hard truth is that I haven’t wanted to sit down at the computer and write out the post. Honestly, how lazy am I that I don’t want to do a task that requires me to sit and only move my fingers? It’s not like I don’t have good things to update. It’s not like I have bad things to tell you. I just didn’t want to type. For that I apologize. When I started out I made the commitment to lose weight and communicate that journey. I can’t be faithful to one and neglect the other. So please forgive my laziness. I will endeavor to be more consistent with my responsibilities moving forward.
As I have just read that last paragraph to myself, I realized that knowing I had to write that was a big hurdle in writing the next post. I am relieved that is out of the way and we can move forward now and get to the real purpose of this post.
When I started out one of the first confessions I made was that I weighed in excess of 400 lbs. I didn’t tell you how much exactly because it was hard enough to generalize without going in to particulars. I have good news on that score. I no longer weigh in excess of 400 lbs. I just returned from the gym and my official weight lost is now at 38 lbs. Which puts me 2 pounds under 400. I’ll let all of you with a basic knowledge of math figure out my starting weight. I am very happy to be under that number but if you’ve done your math right you can see I have a long way to go. Celebrating it feels like that football player who dances and beats his chest in the end zone after scoring while his team is still down by 30 points. Still for now I am grateful to have reached the first milestone.
The last 8 lbs. have been harder to lose than the first 30. I realize this isn’t a shocking revelation. No one would argue that losing weight gets easier the longer you go. I haven’t been eating terribly. I may have made a few choices I wouldn’t have made when I started out but overall I’ve behaved. I have really been enjoying my time at the gym. It hasn’t necessarily gotten easier. I still have to drag myself into the gym at the end of the night, but I’m doing it. I’m okay with the slow down in weight loss as long as I continue to lose. I know this is a long road and I need to be patient and see it through. One of my problems has been my inability (or unwillingness rather) to see the long term affects of my actions both good and bad. I’m all about the here and now and sometimes at the cost of the future. I am a little too quick to sacrifice the permanent on the altar of the immediate. So for now slow and steady wins the race.
When it comes to my weight there are many lies I have told myself. Some of them have been confessed on this blog. One of them I didn’t even realize until a couple of weeks ago. I have admitted to the fact that I am a bored eater. If you would have asked me if I was an emotional eater I would have told you no. That is a lie. I am a VERY emotional eater. I realized this after a particularly trying morning at work. When it came time to eat lunch I ordered a plate of the extremely tasty (but decidedly not good for you) Nachos. As I sat down to eat I looked at the plate and the Fat Skinny Guy asked me what in the world I thought I was doing. The Fat Fat Guy told him to shut up and mind his own business. The Fat Skinny Guy insisted it was his business and a piece of the big picture became clear to me.
Do you remember those magic eye picture that were all the rage back in the 90’s. You had to look at them dead center, let your eyes glaze over and cross them a bit to reveal a 3D picture hidden in the jumble of geometric shapes and colors. When you finally locked on to a bit of the picture your eyes would adjust and you could see the whole thing. That is exactly what happened to me that afternoon. I finally caught a glimpse of the picture and it changed the perspective I had on my emotional food decisions.
I eat my emotions. What better way to celebrate than with a bowl of ice cream and chocolate chip cookies? What better way to cope with a stressful day than to dive into a big plate of nachos? What better way to revel in the comfort of a rainy day than with a bread bowl filled with Corn Chowder? I often will begin to eat because I’m hungry but the problem is I eat every time like I’m trying to abolish my own personal hunger for all time. I won’t be able to sever the connection between emotions and eating. It is an integral part of our society. What I can do, now that I’m aware of it, is make sure that I’m not making bad decisions because I feel like I’ve emotionally earned the right.
There you have it. A milestone reached and a flaw acknowledged. Whew, what an emotionally trying post. This is normally where I would bury my emotions in a bag of chips or a box of cookies. I need to find another avenue to process my emotions. I’ll work on that and let you know how it comes out. For now I’m going to put padlocks on fridge and pantry and tie myself to a chair until this flood of emotions pass. Thanks for reading.